Fuck me!
Well, I would, but somebody beat me to it.
Cool.
Listen. Dad, I know that was a little bit awkward, but I...
I just hope you used one.
- One what? - Used something... That you used something.
Something.
Used a... You know what I'm...
Used a rubber or something like that.
- But... - Protection!
Oh, uh... But we didn't, uh...
'Cause I'm gonna tell you something. Herpes isn't a picnic.
It's not a river-rafting trip either, like they want you to think on that commercial.
- River rafting? - Everybody's having fun with their herpes out there.
- What? - You know what?
"Ix-nay" on the "oodle-day. " That's it.
- "Oodle-day"? - You know what I mean. I don't want you near that...
Don't... Just stay away from the whole...
- pen... penile area. - Dad.
Don't even see him anymore. Don't even see him anymore.
- That's it. You can't see him anymore. - Or what?
What are you gonna do, ground me? I'm 22 years old.
Oh, really? Well, you're forgetting you live in my house.
Well, trust me. I'm doing everything I can to change that.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
My name's Bill. And I'm a little upset...
to say the least, if you know what I mean.
Okay.
Someone stole two boxes of my Buckle-O-Bill belt buckles.
World renowned, uniquely crafted.
Word on the street is you're trying to sell 'em.
You talking about this? This here?
No, no, no. I bought this legit from Gary the Buckle Man.
I don't know Gary the Buckle Man!
I know you're trying to take food out of my kid's mouth.
I don't even have a kid. But if I did, you're taking his food!
- Uh-uh. - I want my buckle!
- Hey! - Hey! Hey!
I need at least three feet of personal space here.
- It's my buckle! - I'm gonna paralyze you!
Crazy, man.
It's my Delaware!
Two fingers. Two. That's all it takes.
I will call the cops, man!
#I don't know #
#Where I belong #
#And I don't know #
#Where I should go #
Wait. So, you're gonna be a P.A. now?
It's just temporary. Our neighbor hooked it up.
Wait. Rico Suave from across the street?
That... That old dude who wears the low-rise jeans?
What? He's 34. He's not that old.
Very specific information you have there.
Hey.
So, uh, tomorrow night?
- Yeah? - I wrote a little "something something" for you.
- For me? - Oh, yeah.
- Shut up! - Yeah, you want a little sneak preview?
- Okay. - Okay.
# Ryden is beautiful It's true #
#'Cause she's got eyes ofblue #
# But then one day I tried to kiss you #
#And you said Oh, n-n-no #
- You're an idiot. - You love me.
Anyway, so here's the deal.
Tomorrow night, me, you...
that dress.
Zip me.
Uh, yeah. Um...
So, first of all, I'm just gonna rock the socks off everyone at that show.
Second, you're gonna throw your bra onstage, just scream like a little girl.
Um... There.
And third, we're gonna go out to a big, fancy dinner.
- Multiple forks... everything. - We are?
- Yeah. - Why?
To, uh, celebrate your new quasi job thing.
- Just to celebrate? - Yeah.
- That sounds fun. - Uh, it sounds...
"fan-crapping-tastic," is what it sounds like.
Making guacamole for your family...
orjust for yourself used to be a fight.
But now, with the Guacanator... the Guacanator 3000...
making guacamole is as easy as uno, dos, tres!
Senor Avocado... he no stand a chance against the grips of the Guacanator.
The only assault will be against your taste buds!
Got it. Got it. Okay, cut!
Okay, I got it. All right.
- And we're clear. - This mustache is crap. The hairs are going in my mouth.
- I can swear I swallowed a couple. - Oh, I'm sorry.
We'll take care of that in a sec, all right?
- Thanks. - Okay, everyone, take five.
- Take a fiver. - There she is.
- Hey. - How's the first day going? As shitty as I promised?
- It's not so bad. - Well, just wait.
Ah. Psst. Bro. Hey, bro! Yo, dude.
Can I talk to you for a second before you shoot anything else?
Well, this should be fun.
The script is like a road map, but the road map...
Can you talk to the catering people? The meat on this sandwich smells like ass-crack.
- Oh, okay. - First of all, you're really close.
So, congrats. Bones. Awesome. Sweet.
We're getting so close, but I just wanna go from the top.
A couple things to make this double awesome.
Give me more Mexican. I gotta get more Mexican. You know what I mean?
I gotta... Oh! I wanna be on or across the border.
You know what I mean? "Mexi-can. " Not "Mexi-can't" or "Mexi-could. " "Mexi-can. "
Like any of that flavor, literally and figuratively, into it.
- Awesome. - All right.
Second of all, your shots are boring, bro.
Seriously. Here's an idea.
Did you ever see The Matrix? Movie about, like, alternative reality.
Okay, that shot... Keanu's, like, up in the air... Bam! He's in the air. Freeze.
360-degree shot... Bam, bam, bam, bam.
Remember what I'm saying? Yeah, like that. That's exciting. That's awesome.
But check this out. Instead of Keanu...
it's the Guacanator is up in the air, and you shoot around it, like, 360, 720.
Like, change the axis. Like, people are totally gonna blow minds.
Matrix. That's a great idea. Yeah.
- Thank you. I wasn't fishing for that. I appreciate it. - Maybe while I'm at it...
- I could... - Bring it. Bring it.
Maybe we could hoist it up on a cross...
and we have The Passion of the Guacamole.
Okay. I get it. Do you think that's funny?
I think you're an idiot.
And I quit.
- Told you... Hollywood. - Can you hear me?
- Let's go. - I think I have the wrong channel.
- What? - Let's go.
Hey. Hey, catch.
Hey, whatever. All right, I'm gonna shoot this.
Can you put him back in the ring? I got an idea.
- You're fired! - Thank you!
#She don't know who she is #
#Oh, I can take her anywhere #
For years I had to deal with this kind of stupidity.
Come on. Can you believe it?
I mean, you can't imagine how many times I just wanted to walk off set like that.
- My God, I just walked off set. - Yeah.
And it looks like I just lost another job.
That feels good. That feels great!
#With you eventually #
#'Cause I am always where I need to be #
#A nd I always thought #
Come on.
- #I would end up with you eventually # - Olé! Olé!
Can we go? You guys ready?
- Where's your guy? Who's your singer? - Yeah, he's right behind you.
Hey, man, you're on.
You guys good?
So, my name is Adam Davies.
I hope this doesn't make anyone too uncomfortable...
but I'm completely naked under these clothes.
This song is for someone...
I, um, care about a lot.
Ready?
# I'm counting the streetlights #
# It's all I can do #
#While driving myself crazy #
#Trying to get to you #
# Feels wrong at the right times #
#To reveal my hand #
# I'm doing the worst I can #
#To make you understand #
#Maybe one day you will know #
# How hard it is for me to #
#Show my heart #
#With all the love #
# Running through my soul #
# Maybe one day you will know #
You know what I thought when I met you?
No.
- Aside from the incredible ears, she's smart and stunning. -
- Absolutely stunning. - Hmm.
But there was something else.
I just saw a girl that has the whole world at her fingertips...
and she doesn't even know it.
www.frendz4m.com
Good night.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I'm such an idiot. I completely forgot.
- It's cool. - Oh, I'm so sorry.
How was it?
Great. Fine, good... I...
And our dinner... I missed our fancy dinner.
You're getting overly worked up about this, Ryden. It's...
It's cool.
Besides, you were clearly busy with...
Pelé from across the street.
Oh, no, he... We were at work...
- and then there was this big blowup, so we left, but it was... - Uh-huh.
Awesome. I'll see you later.
- Wait. What are you doing? - What does it look like?
Just let me explain.
What exactly needs explanation?
The fact that I've been waiting around like a moron...
hoping that one day you'll actually feel about me the way I feel about you?
Or the fact that you're so obsessed with your future...
that y-you completely forget about everyone that you're supposed to give a shit about?
I'm not waiting anymore. I'm done.
I may not know exactly what my future looks like, but I do know one thing.
You're not in it.
Oh...
...say can and will be used against you, okay? - I didn't know they were hot.
- You have the right to an attorney. - Bought them on the Internet.
Can't afford one, one will be provided to you by the state.
This is so stupid. I can't...
Didn't have to be this way.
Grab your brother. Get him in the car.
Come on, honey. Come on. Let's go get in the car.
I had absolutely nothing to do with this.
You can ask anybody, and they'll tell you. I hate crime.
It's okay. It's okay.
The good news is your husband doesn't have any priors.
The bad news is we're gonna have to hold him.
Trafficking stolen property is no small crime.
- The bail won't be set till tomorrow. - You're keeping him overnight?
- But he's not a criminal. He's just a moron. - That's the breaks.
I told you. I told you in 1976. Do not marry Walter Malby.
He's your son.
- And I did the best I could with what I had. -
Yeah, well, your best effort is in jail till tomorrow morning.
Hey. Pick up. I've called you 80 times. I'm really, really sorry.
I... Call me back.
Where's Dad? I wanna go home.
Try and have a good one, all right?
Mrs. Malby? Miss?
Yes? Yes?
- Hey, morning. How you doing? - Hi. Morning.
Um, so, basically, in order to bail him out, you're looking at 15,000 bucks.
- Oh, my God. What? - Or he stays in the slammer until the trial.
Oh, God.
$15,000.
Well, let's go home.
- Maureen? - What?
Wait.
Cough it up.
Cough what up?
Pay the man your son's bail money.
Are you crazy?
You think if I had that kind of dough I'd be living with you?
Cut the baloney, Maureen. Please.
I know you have money. I know you sew it into your panty hose.
And I know you've got it under your mattress...
and shoved up inside every shoe in your closet.
Pay the man.
Why can't my family just love me for my soul...
instead of my meager possessions and my bank account?
Well, I love your soul, Grandma.
Okay, um... Will you take a check, or do you want the green stuff?
I'm free!
Look at the sky. Can you see how blue the sky is?
This entire experience has transformed me.
I am a new man. The old Walter is dead.
But the new Walter wants to say how much I love you guys.
I'm a new man, and we're a new family.
I mean, look, we have our problems. What family doesn't?
I know I get to be bullheaded. And,
you know, Ryden here is essentially unemployable.
Hmm?
Hunter licks people, and...
Grandma's very, very...
very... kind.
So kind.
But, no matter what, we're a family. We're a real family.
We're the Malbys, damn it.
From now on, it's Malby time.
Malby! Malby! Malby!
Malby! Malby! Malby! Malby!
Malby! Malby! Malby!
That's all right, honey. I'll just take a cab over to the curb.
- Malby! - Grab my purse.
- My purse. - Did you leave it at the police station, Maureen?
- No, I didn't leave... I thought you had it. -
- I don't have your purse. - Adam?
- I'm looking for Ryden Malby. - That's me.
This is Barbara Snaff from Happerman & Browning.
Listen, the position you interviewed for just came available again.
You wanna fire me? Fine. I don't care.
I'm gonna own this town. And I'm gonna come back, and I'm gonna take you down.
Wait... Wait, are you serious? You're offering me the job?
Yes. Absolutely. When can you start? The job is yours if you want it.
Immediately! Absolutely, yes.
Great. I'll have my assistant call you with all the details.
- Thank you. Perfect. - She's not there anymore.
- Guys, I got the job! I got the job! - Yea!
- Does it pay? Does it pay? - Yeah, it pays!
- Malby! Malby! - Malby! Malby!
- She got a job!
Okay.
Yo, it's Adam. You know what to do.
Okay. Silent treatment. I get it.
Very fifth grade of you. But very effective.
Please call me. Please?
Yo, it's Adam. You know what to do.
All right.
Just... call me when you're ready.
Yo, yo.
I got him. I got him.
Yeah, yeah, go. Go, Adam. Take it in. Take it in.
Yes!
- Nice shot. - All right. Check ball.
I'm open right here.
Someone once told me that every...
evil, horrible thing in the world...
can be directly counteracted by the joy of a simple dessert.
I'm really sorry, Adam.
I know you don't wanna talk to me,
but I really have something to tell you. I wish you...
Hold on a second.
If you don't forgive me, I will follow you...
everywhere you go, playing this extremely annoying song...
till you slowly go insane.
Okay. Just make it stop.
Ha!
How do you steal an ice cream truck?
Borrow.
My dad knows a guy that knows a guy, so...
Of course.
Look.
I'm good.
I'm so sorry I flaked on you, Adam.
You would never do anything like that to me.
And I've been thinking a lot about...
- I accept your apology. - Wait. You have to let me get this out.
I have been thinking a lot about what you said...
and I think you just... maybe you just threw me because...
Look, it's fine.
Really, it's... It's all good.
I'm just... You know, I'm in the middle of a game.
- Yo. - Well, wait.
Um, do you wanna, I don't know, hang out later? Um...
Oh, we could celebrate, 'cause I didn't get a chance to tell you...
but I got that job at Happerman & Browning.
That's awesome.
Uh, I...
But I can't get together later, 'cause I kind of need to pack.
Pack?
Yeah. Uh...
Look, I didn't get a chance to tell you...
but I decided to go to Columbia.
And I'm leaving tomorrow.
What? You're going to law school?
In New York?
Yeah.
That's...
That's... so great.
- Congratulations. - Yeah, I think it'll be... I think it'll be good.
Look, I promise I'll call you...
as soon as I get settled in, okay?
- Okay. - Let's go.
Come on, Adam. Ball in. Ball in. Ball in.
Hold up.
- Our ball. - All right.
- Our ball. - Check it up. Check it up, Adam.
Our ball.
All right.
Ball.
Okay.
Hi. I'm Ryden Malby. I'm...
The new assistant to the editor. Yes. One sec. I'll get Lloyd.
I've got Ryden. Thanks.
Well, here it is. Home, sweet home.
- That's the mail cart. - Great. Well, perfect.
Is there any material you want me to start to read or...
No. Reading's on your own time.
Jessica was a shit filer, so we're a little backed up on submissions.
I see that. What happened to Jessica anyway?
Well, we had a little bit of a misunderstanding, she and I.
You see, I thought that she worked for me.
She thought she was running the company.
- Sounds like Jessica. - Mm-hmm.
- Ready to go? - Yep, I'll get right on it.
You know you're gonna have to enter every one of these into the database, right?
Okay. Absolutely. Yeah.
- Hi. - Oh!
Of course.
#Apicture paints a thousand words #
#As one door closes another door opens #
#And two wrongs don't make a right #
#Now, good things come to those who wait #
Okay. I've got it right here.
My life is a shit-storm. I got way too much crap to keep in my own brain.
So, what do I do?
- #Say what you say # - I think those two books are totally different.
- #Do what you do # - Different enough.
#Feel what you feel as long as it's real #
#I said take what you take #
#And give what you give Just be what you want #
#Just as long as it's real ##
When are you gonna build my boxcar?
Get the puppet out of my face.
Come on. All the other kids' dads are practically done.
Fine. Forget it.
Hunter. Wait a minute.
When's that race again?
- Saturday. - Saturday.
Saturday.
Go get your mother, your grandmother.
We need every able-bodied man we can get. Go.
- Just move all my Thursday appointments to Friday. - Okay.
Oh, and you're gonna wanna get some beauty sleep this weekend...
'cause I want you to sit in on the Asia conference on Monday morning.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, great. I'd love to. That'd be great. - Great.
- Oh, you forgot one. Sign and date. There. - Oh. Okay.
- All right. "Buenos nachos. " - Good night.
Hey, try to get out of here by 9:00 tonight, will you?
- Okay. - All right.
#Far, far#
#T here's this little girl #
#She was praying for something to happen to her#
#The reality looks far now but don't go #
#How can you stay outside #
#There's a beautiful mess inside #
#How can you stay outside #
#There's a beautiful mess inside #
- #Mmm, mmm ## - I got this job...
this incredible job.
And I'm working my ass off.
But I always expected that.
What are all the boxes for?
Moving back to Brazil.
Are you serious?
Yeah. My life is there.
I haven't seen my family in ages.
And I come home every night to what?
I guess I finally realized that...
what you do with your life is really just one half of the equation.
The other half...
the more important half really, is...
who you're with when you're doing it.
Okay, come on! Come on.
Come on. You got plenty of room. You got miles.
Oh, geez!
Don't tell me that's another cat.
Oh, geez. Hey, keep this on the down-low, Mom.
It's one of those goofy gnomes. Don't tell Carmella.
- Hunty? Come on, Hunty. - He broke the gnome.
- Oh, sugar. - Jesus! What'd I just say?
Hand me...
What's going on?
Get dressed. We're late.
We need all the manpower we can get.
But what if I don't drive good?
Hey. Hey, you're a Malby.
Driving is in your blood. Okay?
Come on. Come on, let's go. We gotta go. Come on!
- And it's "drive well,"honey, not "drive good. " - Wait. Don't drive good?
Proper English is "drive well. " I want you to drive well.
Ladies and gentlemen, please turn your attention...
to the starting ramp for the last event of the day.
This is the one you've been waiting for...
the final race for the 9th Annual P. T.A. Boxcar Derby.
Racers and their teams, please take your marks.
Let's go, Raymond!
All right. How you feeling?
- Look at Hunter! - Go, Hunty!
Go! Go!
Are you focused?
Balls to the wall. Don't tell your mom I said that.
Smoke 'em. Go get 'em.
Balls to the wall, Hunty!
All right, let's go!
Come on! Go!
- Dad! Dad! - Brake! Pull the brake back!
- What? - The brake!
Go, Hunter! Go! Go!
Yeah! Go get 'em!
Go!
- Walt, watch your ankle! - Go! Go!
#Here's to you, honey #
#But I'm out of your league #
#Y ou're never gonna pass me #
- #' Cause I'm out of your league # - Go! Get in there!
#L ooky here, baby #
#You're comin'my way #
#But I move like a landslide #
#So I get out of my way and stay away #
#Up from the floor on the count of 10 #
#Oh, you get up, you get down and you try again #
#Up and down and around again #
#Oh, you get up, you get down and you try again #
#Up and down and around again #
- #Oh, you get up you get down and you try again # -
#You get up, you get down and you try again #
#Get up, you get down and you try again #
- #You get up, you get down and you try again ## - Yeah!
Whoa!
- Come on! Let's go! - Excuse me.
Dad!
Oh!
Thank goodness. You okay?
By the way, you won!
- Wow! Look at that. - That-a-boy!
- Come on. Up, up. - That's okay.
- No? - Not today.
Okay.
- That-a-boy. - Let me see. Let me see.
- It's so cool. - Look at that.
- Right. - Mm-hmm.
Mom, Dad...
Sure you don't wanna get a little shut-eye and see how you feel in the morning?
Nope.
Just out of curiosity though, do you think I'm making the right decision?
Well, you know, ever since you were a little kid...
you always seemed to have it figured out.
You know, you made good grades, you...
kept your room neat and clean, you ate your vegetables.
Can I be honest with you?
I always found it a little troubling.
Because, see, hon...
the world's a screwy place.
It doesn't play by the rules.
So if you're asking me...
do I think it's a good idea for you to, uh...
quit your job...
leave behind the only family you have...
and travel 3,000 miles...
to a place you've never been before?
I think it's the most kick-ass idea you've ever had.
'Cause I think no matter where you are, you're gonna knock 'em dead.
Thanks, Dad.
- See ya. - Okay.
- Love ya, honey. - Love ya. Bye.
No good-byes. Just see you later.
You be careful in New York. There are a bunch of kookies there.
- Okay, I will. - Call me frequently, okay?
- Okay. - I've got you on my speed dial, and you're on mine.
- # Show me the world # - Okay. Okay, bye.
- #In the shape of your looking glass # - Bye.
#Beautifully bold when the colors unfold #
#Yes, it's easy to see #
#But it's harder to find #
#And I'm thinkin'of you #
#And it's clear in my mind, so I #
#Turn, turn, turn #
#I turn back around #
#And turn, turn, turn #
#I turn back around #
#And I'm eastern bound #
Thanks.
#Almost let slip all these words in my fingertips #
#Still unaware #
#Of the pen in my hand, but I'm #
#Makin'my way day by day comin'back to you #
#Here, unafraid of the path that I choose, so I #
#Turn, turn, turn #
#I turn back around #
#And that's where you are found ##
Hey.
Life sucks without you.
I miss you. I... Well, of course I miss you. I...
I knew that I would, but it's not like a...
"Hey, we had some great times... you know, keep in touch" kind of thing.
It's... It was more like, "I can't eat... I can't sleep...
I forget what it feels like to laugh" kind of thing.
And I really think that when you left...
you took my heart with you.
Um...
I- I probably should've called first.
Oh, whoa. Whoa. No, no, no. Hold...
Ryden! Whoa! Where are you... Where are you going?
Ryden!
Ryden. Ryden, hey. Wait. Hold up.
Look. Hey. Stop. All right? Hey.
She's my R.A.
I was just filling out a maintenance report.
- She's not... - No.
Really?
Yeah.
www.frendz4m.com
I love you.
Well, that's good.
'Cause I love you.
#Some kind of magic #
#Happens late at night #
- Wanna go inside? - Yeah.
#When the moon smiles down at me #
- Hey, Walt, it's Ryden. - Oh.
- Hey, sweetie-pie. - It's her machine, so leave a message.
Oh. Hey, guess who's coming for a visit.
We got cheap-ass tickets on CheapAssTickets-dot-com, swear to God.
Ask Adam if he's got a pull-out, 'cause Grandma's got that heinous hump.
- 'Cause I don't wanna have her suffering more than she... - Stop that!
I don't have a hump! Give me that.
I don't have a hump. I can sleep anyplace you wanna put me, Ryden.
And, honey, it's genetic, so take your calcium.
And don't forget to layer up, okay? You're from California.
- And remember, condoms are your best friend. - Oh, you have to...
Wait, like, the whole family's coming?
#It's a brand new day #
#The sun is shining #
#It's a brand new day #
#For the first time in such a long, long time #
#I know #
#I'll be okay ##
#I'm counting the streetlights #
#It's all I can do #
#While driving myself crazy #
#Trying to get to you #
#It feels wrong at the right time #
#To reveal my hand #
#It's like I'm doing the worst I can #
#To make you understand #
#Maybe one day you will know #
#How hard it is for me #
#To show my heart #
#And all the love I have #
#Running through my soul #
#Maybe one day you will know #
#I'm hoping you just might #
#Take a moment to realize #
#That everything you're looking for#
#Is hidden in plain sight #
#I know you better#
#Than I know myself#
#How I feel is the only thing that #
#I could never ever tell you #
#Maybe one day you will know #
#How hard it is for me #
#To show my heart #
#And all the love I have #
#Running through my soul #
#Maybe one day you will know #
#Maybe one day you will ##